LuSt:
04.11.12 11:33
воскресная подборка юмора
Беседа дамы-переводчика со знакомым:
— Коленька, а кем вы работаете?
— Слесарем.
— О, это, должно быть, безумно интересно! Все эти ваши рашпили, керны, штихели, фланцевые притирки, резьба под муфту, стопарение калибровочным шпунтом! Знаете, я в этом ничего не понимаю...
Экскурсия в Крыму.
Гид: This furniture is made of samshit.
Американец: What kind of shit?
A London bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one-a-more time ah."
"You foul-mouthed swine," explodes the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down your panties lady!!," said the man.
"Imma justellun my frienda howa to spella Mississippi."
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on riveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!!
Руководство по стилю и грамматике английского языка на неправильных примерах
1.Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
2.Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important.
3.Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English.
4.Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.
5.Don't use no double negatives.
6.Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.
7.Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
8.A writer must be not shift your point of view.
9.About sentence fragments.
10.Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them.
11.In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series.
12.Don't use commas, which are not necessary.
13.Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
14.Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing.
15.Don't abbrev.
16.Check to see if you any words out.
17.In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK.
18.As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
19.About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.
20.In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
21.Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.
22.It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.
23.Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.
24.Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.
25.To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.
26.Last but not least, lay off cliches.
...